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Juiced Up

Thursday
March 24, 2005

"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live; it is asking others to live as one wishes to live."
-Oscar Wilde

If there's one good thing about the steroid hearings in Washington DC, it's that it's caused world-class jerk Barry Bonds to have to step back and re-evaluate things. His knee surgery is something he no doubt needed, but at the same time the timing of it was strangely convenient. If he outright retires, I wouldn't be surprised. Here's hoping that he leaves the game for good, and that Hank Aaron's home run record stays intact for now.

One thing I would miss is being able to change his name in video games. Since Bonds isn't a part of the MLB Player's Association deal with marketing, his name and likeness can't be used in video games (a la "QB Eagles" in Tecmo Super Bowl). I thoroughly enjoyed renaming him Joe Steroid in MVP Baseball 2004 for the PS2.

If Congress really wants to investigate steroids, it should look into pro wrestling from 1987-present and all of the problems associated with the industry with the use of steroids. And all the guys who passed before their time, from Rick Rude to Davey Boy Smith to Road Warrior Hawk to Hercules to "Love Machine" Art Barr to Eddie Gilbert to many, many others. It's downright sad.

I should've kept a running diary from last night's Survivor: Palau, but since I didn't you'll have to settle for some scattered thoughts:

-The show itself has been interesting this season (#10 for those of you counting) in that one tribe (Koror) has thoroughly pummeled the other (Ulong). The only person who's been knocked off from Koror is Willard (the old guy with the Ric Flair-looking upper chest who didn't do much), only because one week it was decreed that both sides would lose one person. Right now it's 8 against 3. I hope Ulong loses next week, if for nothing else because a two-person tribe would be comical. I wonder what the over/under is on someone making a "Ulong is now U-Lost" joke?

-I didn't notice until last night that one of the shots of Ashlee (the 22 year old chick with the huge tits who got voted off a few weeks back) chosen for the open is a blatant shot of her with her nipples hard and sticking out from her top, headlights on style. Look for it next week (I sure will). It said on her CBS bio that she's a devout Mormon, though they never got into that on the show. Maybe that's why she didn't play the "sex appeal" card to try and stick around longer.

-Thank goodness that idiot James was voted off last night. His "super knot" that he learned in the Navy wasn't quite so tough to bust. Ibrehem might not be a very good swimmer, but at least he doesn't run his trap like an idiot.

Enough of that. Bill Simmons wrote a great piece on The Contender on his website -- it's a must-read if you've been watching the show. The only thing I can add to that is that when Sugar Ray Leonard does his voiceovers, it sounds like something out of a video game. I don't mean that in a complimentary way, though. In other words, it sounds very canned. Mike Patrick comes across 10 times more believable in ESPN College Hoops 2K5, and he actually *is* in a video game.

There are going to be some pissed off people tonight who flip over to NBC at 9 PM EST, only to discover that The Apprentice started at 8:30/7:30 Central. I know that NBC wants to get a nice lead-in for The Office, but I'm not sure if that's the way to do it. As it is, I'm going to DVR it all, as college basketball starts back up tonight. Sweet sixteen hoops, good times there. But something tells me that NBC is going to re-run The Apprentice next Wednesday in response to a backlash of angry viewers who missed out on it. Notice I'm predicting this before it even happens. Why couldn't they have done this last week when they had that stupid clip show?

I really hate those clip shows they do with reality programs. You know, they try to stretch them from February sweeps through May sweeps, but they're one short to make it work so they create a filler show to catch up people who missed out on the early episodes. Plus it comes with the promise of "all new material". But there's usually a reason the stuff was left out in the first place: it's not all that compelling. Now if The Apprentice promised a never before seen lesbian make-out session between Audrey and Erin... I'd tune in for that. But of course that'd be best saved as an exclusive for when the Season 3 DVD comes out.

(And, no, there's not really a lesbian make-out... at least I don't think so. So don't buy the DVD and then blame me, okay?)

I see that Big Brother 6 is taking applications for this summer. I think my brother Matt would be perfect for the show. He may not be the wannabe actor type that tends to comprise much of the cast of the show, but he has the right mix of athleticism, personality and stubborn determination to win the $500,000. At least I think so.


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