Lou Pickney's Online Commentary
Early Monday Morning Musings
Monday
June 17, 2002
With a nod to ESPN.com Page 2's Bill Simmons, in particular for his stellar running commentary from Friday's U.S./Poland game, here's my account of the early morning hours of Monday, June 17... and the U.S./Mexico game.
12:25 AM -- My Southwest Airlines flight from Nashville to Tampa made its descent for the landing. Normally I would be asleep at this point in a flight, but thanks to taking the "Less Drowsy" Dramamine formula, I was awake. Tampa looks nice from the sky, even at night. It was interesting that I was able to see Raymond James Stadium from the air.
12:35 AM -- I turned on my cell phone as I walked toward the shuttle train terminal and called Justin Smith. Ring, ring, ring, voice mail. I left him a message. Contemplated calling home, but figured everyone there was asleep. It occurred to me that 12:35 a.m. EDT on a Monday morning is not a very convenient time to call most people.
12:40 AM -- I secured my luggage right away. I loved the whole nearly empty airport thing. Even in Nashville, with a 9:55 PM CDT flight, the place didn't have the typical "ten thousand miles a minute" feel to it. Less hectic. One odd thing was the inordinate amount of people wearing cowboy hats. It seemed strange but fitting in downtown Nashville; it seemed ridiculous at Tampa International Airport. As Eminem would say: "Let go, it's over".
12:50 AM -- The Long Term Parking shuttle bus arrived pretty quickly. Which was a good thing; I was beginning to sweat in the Tampa humidity. Even at almost one in the morning, you can feel it. On the bus ride, this guy mentioned that he had an hour-long drive to the Sarasota/Bradenton area ahead of him. "Final leg of the trip," he bemused.
1:00 AM -- Found my car in long-term parking. I noticed the light came on when I opened the trunk -- a good sign. The car started without incident. This might not seem like any kind of an extraordinary event, but the past two times I had issues with my car in the long-term parking lot (December 2001 where I left the lights on, and April 2002 where my dying battery almost "didn't have the juice to crank it", to borrow a line from an infamous Auto Zone commercial).
1:10 AM -- I wanted caffeine. In trying to stay up for the 2:30 AM United States/Mexico soccer game, I knew some caffeine would be helpful. I pulled off on the Dale Mabry exit, but the Amaco I went to had a broken Cappuccino machine. Ugh. So I drove back under I-275 to the other side and hit the Shell station. The two cops outside filling up made me feel a bit more at ease. Though it wasn't like I went to the World's Shadiest Amaco (at the I-4 Ybor City exit), but still it was nice. The two cops looked at me briefly as I walked to the double doors. A sign on one of the doors said "Use the window up front". Sounds like management shared my sentiments. I went to the window and hit the "Call For Service" button... and waited. No sign of anyone. The two cops left, leaving me with an uneasy feeling. Then, as if on cue, this guy walked up to me and asked if there was a Wal-Mart nearby. I pointed down at I-275 and told him it was on the other side of the interstate. Luckily, dude walked over to his car without trying to rob me. That Ben Franklin in my wallet was burning hot right about then.
1:13 AM -- Finally, I saw a man inside carrying a box with "Budweiser" written prominently across the side. He saw me and gave an acknowledging nod. A moment later, he was over at the window. Mr. Shell Employee resembled the Khlav Kalash guy from The Simpsons, and his English was about as indiscernible. But I managed to communicate to him that I wanted a French Vanilla Cappuccino. I paid the man, landed my caffeine fix, and headed home.
1:15 AM -- Two fools on motorcycles zipped past me on I-275 North. I was doing 60 mph; they had to be going at least 100-110. Scenes like that are why I sometimes I have to write stories at work about motorcycle fatalities.
1:20 AM -- 107.3 The Bay (WBBY) played Janis Joplin's "Piece Of My Heart". Excellent tune. Nice way to end up the long trip home.
1:25 AM -- Back inside, my apartment was an oven, since the AC had been off since Friday morning. A poster on the wall in my front room fell down at some point during my absence, presumably from the heat.
1:45 AM -- In an interview on ESPN, Shelley Smith asked Shaquille O'Neal if he worried about being embarrassed 20 years from now when they show him in some of those ridiculous outfits he wears. Shaq basically laughed it off, but I was rolling. Seemed like a perfect question to me.
2:20 AM -- Waiting for soccer... and waiting. Caffeine is helping, but the sleepiness is kicking in. Better Xen up.
2:23 AM -- I love the way the United States soccer players sing along with the national anthem. Very cool. This should happen all the time in sports.
2:27 AM -- I'm killing time looking for pictures to submit to WhatsBetter.com. I discovered this site this morning trying to find info on an alleged charge of domestic abuse made against pro wrestler "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. KMOL.com didn't have the story then (they do now) -- but they did have info on the What's Better site... Ahh, the power of the internet.
2:41 AM -- GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL United States. Just 7 1/2 minutes into the game. Are you serious?!? Sweet play to set up Brian McBride for the open look at the goal.
2:59 AM -- Slipping closer toward sleep... but fighting the good fight. The U.S. is really winning. Not a dream, not "I fell asleep on the couch", but legit. Reason to stay awake...
3:05 AM -- Jack Edwards is speaking in tongues... no, he's just describing an exciting series of near-goals. The crowd is going ballistic. It's like when El Hijo Del Santo and Octagon beat Eddy Guerrero and Love Machine at the AAA PPV in November 1994.
3:06 AM -- More from Edwards "Save, Another Save!!!" Huge crowd pop. I wonder what it'd be like to be in a bar in Mexico City right about now, wearing a red white and blue outfit. And me, Mr. Caucasian with a shaved head. What's the over/under on the survival rate for something like that?
3:11 AM -- My eyes are burning. Raw, intense. Welcome back to the overnight shift, buddy-boy. Could be worse right about now though. At least I have the extra day to recover. "Lou, what's this story about?" Now I'm hearing things. Bad things.
3:12 AM -- These crowd chants sure are interesting. Gotta love the crowd intensity on both sides. It's interesting to hear the announcers shill for the late games... at 7:20 AM or whenever. About time the early morning sports audience has its needs met. Though that means some late nights for many people...
3:17 AM -- Did I mention how fun this past weekend was in Nashville? 60 hours or so of compressed good times. I really need to get back there again sometime. Before Christmas.
3:19 AM -- Halftime. USA 1, Mexico 0. "Now that's made in America" -Art Barr, November 1994. Time to crack open a Diet Coke. The Cappucino and the Xen aren't enough against the weight of SLEEP trying to choke me out. Need... more... caffeine...
3:21 AM -- One of those local cable TV ads just ran for "Virtual Hair". I thought it was a 1-900 sex line ad at first. Kept waiting for the two women in the commercial to start caressing each other, like it was a demo tape for a Skin-a-max movie. Now I'm waiting for the Ron Jeremy infomercial for "Male Enhancement" to come on (which, incidentally, is 30 minutes of pure unintentional comedy -- especially when R.Jeremy is blatantly looking off-camera for cues on what to say and how to act).
3:22 AM -- Commercials, and more commercials. Do advertisers realize how it works for soccer games? Yahoo had to be loving their little on-screen ad showing up right when the U.S. scored their goal. But I'm talking about the companies that buy :30 spots that run together ad nauseam during the halftimes of these games.
3:24 AM -- Took a big sip of the Diet Coke, and realized it's Diet Coke with lemon. Here's to small surprises.
3:26 AM -- Jack Edwards tries to fill time during halftime. Ahh, easiest way to do that is to throw back to MORE COMMERCIALS. But, it's better than that rain delay during the final round of the U.S. Open yesterday. "Well, it's still raining here in New York." No shit sherlock, I think we can all see that. Or maybe I just overlooked the shots of rainfall and the big RAIN DELAY graphic.
3:29 AM -- My little MSN Messenger thing told me I had a new e-mail from "Jenny Page". Didn't know who that was, but considering the girls I've known named Jenny and the possibility that many have since gotten married and landed new surnames, I thought it might be someone I know. Nope, spam for some website. I f***ing hate junk mail. Almost as much as telemarketers. But not quite.
3:30 AM -- Surprise surprise, Jack Edwards just threw... to more commercials! The clicking sound you hear are remotes all across the country as people turn off their TV and go to bed.
3:31 AM -- Guess what, ESPN's ESPY awards are coming up. There just aren't enough awards shows out there, you know.
3:32 AM -- Oooh, a commercial for the new Gillette "Mach 3 Turbo". See, you can get a close shave no matter how you do it. Looks like they've dropped Andre Agassi; if Gillette wants another shaved head superstar, they can give me a call. Really.
3:33 AM -- Oh good, they just ran the Virtual Hair ad again. The one girl does touch the other at the beginning. These are the things you notice on the second time around...
Bimbo #1: "Hi this is Caroline"
Bimbo #2: "And this is Jody"
Bimbo #1: "And we want to tell you about a great new product..."
They introduce each other: what's up with that? They just need a portrait of David Hasslehoff in the background to go all the way over the top... Though that would take away from the girl-on-girl effect. But why go that route if you're trying to get guys' attention on why women should want them? Well, it's had me rambling for the past five minutes. But then again, I know cool chicks go for guys like me with the shaved head look. Though not every guy has the noggin (or the moxie) to pull that off.
3:35 AM -- A whistle and, my god, soccer!?! Is that what I'm watching? I thought Time Warner had switched my ESPN to "ESPN Commercials" as revenge for me being late on my payment last month.
3:36 AM -- I really need to write these commentaries on the sleep-deprived tip more often. I'm amazed at what drivel I can come up with at 3:30 in the morning while watching sports.
3:37 AM -- I'll say this about the World Cup -- they don't give in to the typical cushy pressure by the United States. No TV timeouts, no games at convenient times for U.S. audiences, etc. "We're gonna have this game on in the middle of the night on a Monday morning, and you'll deal with it." Yep.
3:41 AM -- At the 50 minute mark, I flipped to Telemundo. I really wish I could speak Spanish right about now. Are the announcers biased toward Mexico, like when you watch a Cubs/Braves game and the WGN announcers are pulling for the Cubs and the WTBS announcers are pro-Braves? I need to know an answer on this one. The United States is abbreviated "EE.UU." -- my schooling in French tells me that might stands for "Les-Etas Unis" or whatever the French phrase for "United States" is. Don't know where the extra E and U came from, though. Another observation -- Telemundo's feed is 3 seconds or so faster than ESPN. It's like when I have Brook Gardiner on the phone during NFL season and my ESPN is 5 seconds ahead of his. Even when the game is being played at, say, the Meadowlands in New Jersey (which is much closer to Manhattan than Tampa, or before then Huntington). Back to ESPN -- the Spanish is really messing with my already fragile mindset at this point in the AM.
3:46 AM -- Jack Edwards just let it ride in his pants I think on his breathless description of a U.S. save on a Mexico shot at the 57:20 mark. Hey... there's less than 33 minutes to go here. At least in regulation...
3:52 AM -- I'm trying to fight being drawn in by whatsbetter.com -- but it's a losing battle. These bizarre, yet utterly engrossing matchups are unbelievably addictive. Vegemite vs. Counting Crows, or UPN Buffy vs. Barney, or Marshmallows vs. Existentialism, or Rutherford B. Hayes vs. Baby Turtles?!? Ahh, the roar of the crowd is bringing me back to reality. And not a moment too soon.
3:55 AM -- GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL United States. The crowd is going out of its collective mind. Crossing shot goal at the 64 minute mark. 2-0 U.S. -- could we be seeing history in the making here?!? Is it too early to say that?
3:57 AM -- What's the deal with the pullovers that the bench players have to wear? They look like those stupid things from college intramurals we'd have to wear when our jerseys matched too closely with our opponents. "Pennies" they were sometimes called (for reasons never explained to me). There's high comedy seeing a U.S. player with a mohawk in a yellow penny. But better yellow than those than the orange pullovers, which made the bench players look more like convicts than athletes. Like they're going to go pick up trash on the side of the highway during halftime or something.
4:01 AM -- Just made several fun additions to whatsbetter.com. Back to soccer. 18 minutes and counting -- though Jack Edwards is promising "plenty of stoppage time due to all of the yellow cards". One hilarious thing about soccer is the way when a card is issued the ref will go right up to the player and show him the card. I was laughing hard on Sunday seeing that happen during the Ireland/Spain game. It'd be funny to see an NBA referee do something comperable when issuing a technical foul. Take that, Rasheed Wallace!
4:05 AM -- Jack Edwards sped through the "ESPN and ESPN2 and ABC are the official broadcasters of the FIFA 2002 World Cup" like he was reading a legal ID liner for a radio station: you know, "WRVW Lebanon Nashville" said at the top of the hour in 0.003 seconds. Anything for compliance.
4:06 AM -- We love the internet for its ability to instantly publish, but is that always a good thing? Like in a situation like this, tired rambling straight from my keyboard to you. Welcome to life in 2002.
4:09 AM -- In this era of DVD porn, would it not be possible to have Jack Edwards do play-by-play for Vivid? I'm talking special edition here. Just a thought.
4:12 AM -- Hanging up clothes now... watching the time tick away. Three straight yellow cards against Mexico. This could get ugly in the final 10 minutes.
4:16 AM -- We're up to 10 yellow cards now. "This is gettin' ugly" -Bubba Sparxxx
4:17 AM -- What would this game be like if "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes was doing color commentary? Going off on random tangents, cutting off Jack Edwards when he's in the middle of making a valid point, etc. He could talk about the Mexicans "clubberin'" the U.S. players. Or call ESPN2 "the mothership". And I could only imagine the racial stereotyping he'd manage to use toward the Mexican players. If you wiiiiiiiiiiill.
4:18 AM -- Mexico's Rafael Marquez landed a red card -- MEX will be playing with only 10 for the remaining time. This is quickly degenerating...
4:19 AM -- Jack Edwards just referred to an American player's move as a "classic time wasting maneuver". I know there's a clever statement to be made, but I just don't have the mental acumen to articulate it at this point.
4:20 AM -- We're in "stoppage time" right now. Rack 'em. "Two minutes remaining". Where's Gary Michael Capetta when you need him?
4:22 AM -- The crowd is getting loud, they know the time is almost up... U.S. almost scored to make it 3-0. Probably better that they didn't. World Cup fans and players have long memories (ask British fans about Argentina and the infamous "Hand of God" goal from 1986). Jack Edwards tells us that we're in the 95th minute... It's over! "The land of the free, the home of the brave, we're into the round of eight." How long did he spend crafting that line up? Regardless, the United States advances to face Germany. My oh my.
4:25 AM -- I need a break.
4:35 AM -- Trying to choose between Alanis Morrisette and Plinko on whatsbetter.com -- now that's a tough one. After much consideration, Plinko wins, just barely. Sportscenter is on -- did they really keep Rich Eisen and Dan Patrick and the entire production crew around to do this one live? Figuring their audience is larger now than 99+% of the time at 4:35 AM on a Monday morning, that just might be a yes.
4:55 AM -- Prepared to fix myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich... only to find I'm out of bread. Ditto for milk. The grocery store is a must-visit later today.
4:56 AM -- I have Bay News 9 on right now. Yeesh. Ready to play the voyeur game, where I watch my newscast from home. Only in the TV news biz can you take a look at what your fill-in is doing... from the privacy of your own living room. Oh, and maybe also in radio. And webpage design and maintenance, I guess. But point is, Joe Bob the construction worker can't flip on his TV and see the guy doing his job hammering nails or what not.
4:58 AM -- Over to CBS now. Julie Chen is anchoring the CBS National News show. Is that Les Moonves' head popping out from under the desk? No, must be my imagination.
4:59 AM -- An ad for the Thermo Spatula is on right now. Has that ad been on leading into one of my newscasts before and I didn't know it? How can you overlook the Thermo Spatula?!?
5:00 AM -- Good headlines. Neal Boling does an outstanding job filling in as a producer. He's 10 times better than some others who wear the producing crown, so to speak. Interesting seeing John Harding and Dave Bohman anchoring together. The more I think about it, the more I realize a running commentary on this newscast could be dangerous in so many ways. So... that topic is now closed.
5:13 AM -- Delirium is setting in right about now. Just saw a promo for "The Other Half". Is there any other show out there that skews more toward the female demo? Not an indictment of it, but wow does that promo make me want to do anything but tune in for today's show.
5:14 AM -- Fighting to stay awake... but slipping. Just another Monday morning. Later this week, it's USA vs. Germany -- should be a classic World Cup showdown...
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