Lou Pickney's Online Commentary
BCS Swinging
Wednesday
December 11, 2002
The idea of using movie quotes to set up storytelling about a particular genre of sports is something I first saw ESPN Page 2's Bill Simmons do last summer with his brilliant NBA 2001 Preview/Boogie Nights combo article. So, with a nod to Bill Simmons, here's my take on the 2002 NCAA Football bowl situation, with quotes from the movie
Swingers serving as talking points.
Swingers is one of those movies that I kept hearing that I "had to see". So finally I did something I'd never done -- I bought it on DVD without having seen it first.
The result? An hour and a half of movie magic. Colleges should make this a prerequesite for all incoming freshmen males. It runs the gambit, everything from road trips to parties to video game etiquette to guy/girl interactions. The scene where Mike Peters (Jon Favreau) keeps calling the girl he'd met at the bar a few hours before was an all-time classic scene that captured the whole "how many days to call" quandry that has plagued men since the invention of the telephone.
What does this have to do with college football? Read on and find out.
Rob: "Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is. Every day it hurts a little less, and then one day you wake up and the pain is gone."
To the Vanderbilt Commodores. Can we drop the pretense that their annual game with Tennessee is a rivalry? The Volunteers have won the last 20 meetings, and 26 of the last 27; UT is 33-2-1 in the series since 1965. Consider that most of the players who'll be on the field in next year's game weren't even born yet the last time Vandy beat Tennessee (28-21 in 1982).
Mike: "Hi, how are you ladies doing this evening?"
Girl: "What do you drive?"
Mike: "Huh?"
Girl: "What kind of car do you drive?"
Mike: "A Cavalier." (She turns away)
Mike: "It's red..."
To the BCS bowl committee members. Don't ever, ever kid yourself into thinking that the bowls weren't clamoring over a chance to bring in Notre Dame. Sorry Kansas State, but all the lobbying in the world didn't gain you anything in a battle against the Irish's ability to draw fans and media attention. Only the strange situation with Washington State and USC in the Pac-10 prevented the Irish from going to a BCS game (and Iowa almost got screwed out of it so a BCS bowl could rake in the Irish green).
Trent: "But the truth of the matter is you saw my tape; you know I'm 24, why did you call me in?"
To Kelley Washington of the University of Tennessee, who spent four years in the Marlins organization before coming to play for the Vols as a wide receiver. How is it that players can go play pro baseball, then come back and play college football and retain their eligibility (despite being 6-10 years older than their freshman colleagues in some cases)? That's baffling to me. Maybe a college can sign Ken Griffey Junior to play free safety once his baseball career is over.
Trent: "But that was pretty Sue. Check this out on the instant replay, look at it."
Sue: "You're unbelievable."
Trent: "You know what, I am unbelievable."
To Byron Leftwich of Marshall. The sight of his teammates (linemen Steve Sciullo and Steve Perretta) carrying him down the field against Akron on October 2 will stick in my mind for a long, long time. Leftwich came back from the hospital and was playing despite having a severely injured shin. It was one of those surreal yet defining moments of courage that college sports sometimes provide. And if you need more proof of Leftwich's heart, you can take a look at the tape of the 2002 MAC Championship game to see what poise and moxie in the clutch is all about.
I almost hope the Cincinnati Bengals end up with the #1 pick in the 2003 NFL Draft and then pass on Leftwich, only because I know he's going to light it up for the next 12 years or so in the pros. And then we can all laugh yet again at the hapless Bengals.
Trent: "Bring something nice to wear."
Mike: "I'm not going to Vegas."
Trent: "Mike, we're going."
Mike: "I'm not going to Vegas."
To UCLA. Now-former head coach Bob Toledo won't be making the trip to Las Vegas -- he lost his job following his team's nationally televised lopsided loss to Washington State. Now the Bruins are going to Vegas to take on New Mexico. A long way from a BCS berth, for sure.
Mike: "Make somebody's head bleed."
Sue: "No man, we're in the playoffs."
To Division I-AA, Division II and Division III college football. They don't seem to have a problem taking the top 16 teams, putting them in a tournament, and letting the best team win it on the field. No BCS needed.
Trent: "Back in the day this place used to be a real contender, but now they'll appreciate the business, probably fall all over themselves for a couple high class guys like us."
To the Cotton Bowl. Remember when it used to at least be in the running to host a national title game? The demise of the Southwest conference killed it. Now the Cotton Bowl is relegated to a pre-noon start on FOX with some of the second-tier teams involved (this year Texas and LSU).
And as an aside, why is FOX listed in all caps? ABC and CBS and NBC and UPN and even ESPN are all initials. But FOX isn't an acronym... it's just a name.
Trent: "What did you think of that Dorothy girl?"
Mike: "The whole Judy Garland thing kind of turned me on. Does that make me some kind of fag?"
Trent: "No baby, you're money."
To the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl. I think that name is next to Vagisil and Tampax as far as worst names a bowl game could land for a sponsor.
Mike: "We got knocked out pretty fast"
Waitress: "A couple of high rollers like yourselves?"
Mike: "Can you believe it?"
To Nebraska. The same team that was playing for the national championship (albeit as a bogus pick, a team that didn't even win their own division in the Big 12) just eleven months ago is now looking to rebound from a 7-6 season (including an embarrassing 3-5 conference mark). Makes me wish for a minute that I was back in Evansville working at ABC 25 so I could laugh at Lance Wilkerson and Chad Rhinesmith about it (since I had to endure the 1998 Orange Bowl where Nebraska beat Tennessee at Pro Player Stadium with them).
Lisa: "Umm do you ever play out here? I'd love to see you sometime."
Mike: "Uh, no. It's just different circuits, it's hard to explain."
To Boise State. They went 8-0 in their conference and 11-1 overall. So what did they earn from that? A trip to the Humanitarian Bowl -- in their hometown of Boise, Idaho. Try not to get too excited, fellas.
Trent: "You know what's funny that day we were playing football I don't remember you leaving long enough to make a phone call."
To Willis McGahee of the University of Miami. His 6 TD performance against Virginia Tech was a sight to behold. If he comes out this year, which is not a given, I would fully expect him to be a top 5 pick in the NFL draft (especially after teams missed the boat on Clinton Portis in this year's draft; Portis looks like he has what it takes to be a perennial All-Pro for Denver). And to think, McGahee wasn't even figured to be the starter for the Hurricanes before tailback Frank Gore tore up his knee in spring practice.
Mike: "A dead heat after one hole."
Rob: "This is turning into quite a rivalry."
To the Washington Huskies for their thrilling triple overtime win over Washington State in the Apple Cup. Not only did the win secure them a bowl berth and bragging rights over the Cougars, but it also stopped the whining out of Pullman about why WSU deserved consideration for a berth to the title game.
Rob: "The future is beautiful, look outside the window, it's sunny everyday here. Don't tell me we didn't make it, we're here."
To the University of Southern California. Trojans QB Carson Palmer opened a lot of eyes with his dominating performance against Notre Dame. And now they're going to another sunny place (Miami) for an Orange Bowl tilt with Iowa.
Rob: "I don't think I'm going to take it."
Mike: "Look it's a gig."
Rob: "This is definitely a step back for me."
To Notre Dame's coaching staff. They can't be amused about the prospect of going to the Gator Bowl after the kind of season they had. Washington State's win over UCLA cost Notre Dame approximately 11 million dollars (because it bumped the Irish from a big-money BCS bowl). Brutal.
Mike: "Alright, stop talking. I'll try if you shut up, shut up we're gonna make this work."
Trent: "Damn right, let's get home."
To the University of South Florida. They went 9-2, yet they're on the outside looking in on the bowl picture because they're not in a conference. Maybe they should lay out Michigan WWE-style and step in to take on Florida in the Outback Bowl (though actually I am looking forward to that first ever Michigan/Florida game). Hell, they would've been happy to fly across the country to play Boise State in the Humanitarian Bowl (though Boise State vs. Iowa State will be a good game there on the blue turf in Idaho).
Trent: "You know what you are? You're like a big bear with claws and with fangs... And the bunny's scared, Mike, the bunny's scared of you, shivering."
To Ohio State. This is the team that nearly lost to Cincinnati (7-6 record on the year) and that battled its way to an undefeated record with a tough defense, an excellent freshman running back, a good deal of luck and a great game plan. But with that said, they have to feel like a bunny facing the sharp teeth and claws of a loaded Miami team. Unless Eddie George, Terry Glenn, Orlando Pace and Joey Galloway are all suiting up for OSU, I don't like their chances at all.
Consider this quote from New York Giants general manager Ernie Accorsi: "There is not an NFL team with more team speed than the Hurricanes." 'Nuff said.
(By the way, if anyone wants to bet me even money straight up that OSU is gonna win... well just drop me an e-mail).
Mike: "It's just that I get this thing where I want to a gentleman and show respect."
Trent: "Oh Mike respect my ass, what they respect is honesty."
To the Big Ten. They let it slip that Iowa had earned a BCS berth before the bowl announcements became finalized, then played damage control when that news became public knowledge. It also goes to show that the backroom dealings of the past that the BCS was supposed to eliminate are as strong as ever.
Mike: "He's mean, man. I saw him in a fight once he was rah rah rah smashing the guy's face into a curb. It was nasty, man."
To the University of Miami of Ohio's football assistant coaches. Redhawks defensive coordinator Jon Wauford was arrested on battery charges for allegedly shoving a Marshall fan following Marshall's win over Miami of Ohio on November 14. If that wasn't bad enough, the Miami coaches in the booth didn't take the loss very well either. According to Redhawks athletic director Steven Snyder, the damage to the coaches' box appeared to include "a built-in shelf that was lifted up... three holes punched in the plaster wall, and I believe two chairs were broken." Don't tell them it's just a game.
By the way, they hate it when you call them Miami of Ohio. My friend Josh Tenisci worked there for a year, and it was amusing reading in their media guide their spirited, almost angry explanation for why they want to be called "Miami University". Sorry guys, but there's a Miami down in south Florida, and I don't think they want you riding on their coattails...
Mike: "What are you nuts, you really think she's coming back here?"
To Western Michigan. Somehow they managed to book a home game with Virginia Tech. All too often the BCS conference schools refuse to play on the road against mid-majors, so hats off to V-Tech for doing that. But still, I wouldn't look for this to become a regular thing anytime soon.
Sue: "They're a finese team"
Trent: "They're a f***in' bitch team"
To the University of Florida. Growing up in Tennessee, I was instilled with a dislike for the Gators. Now actually living in Florida, that dislike has grown to loathing (especially with UF knocking off the Vols this year). But at least it's fun to bait the Florida and Florida State fans into a heated tête-à-tête and watch the sparks fly.
Trent: "I don't want you to be like the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's really hoping makes it happen. I want you to be the guy in the rated R movie, the guy you're not sure you like. You're a bad man."
To Michigan State WR Charles Rogers, from the perspective of his opponents. He went out and performed on a week-in, week-out basis, and he should make a fine transition to the NFL. He set an NCAA record with a TD catch in 14 consecutive games. Fourteen in a row. And he broke the record on a 4-8 Michigan State squad. He was one of the few bright spots for the Spartans this year.
Mike: "I just want to see where it goes 'cause it's nice and I have expectations."
To Florida State. Four losses and they're guaranteed a spot in a BCS game? Who booked this, Vince Russo? Even the diehard Seminole fans I know admit that there's no way Florida State deserves a BCS bid this year. But try telling that to the Powers That Be. FSU will be there in the Big Easy facing Georgia in the Sugar Bowl.
Mike: "You shouldn't be sorry you're a winner. I'm the one who should be sorry. I'm the f***in' loser."
Trent: "Don't talk that way."
Mike: "Can we just go?"
Trent: "Let me tell you something Mike, you're money, and you know what else? You're a big winner."
To the Iowa Hawkeyes. An early season loss to in-state rival Iowa State could've been demoralizing. Instead they went on an amazing run, going unbeaten in the tough Big Ten, sharing the Big Ten title with OSU, and earning a trip to the Orange Bowl.
Hawkeyes QB Brad Banks is an amazing athlete. It would be interesting to see how he'd match up with Ohio State's defense. Unfortunately, the one conference that actually needs a conference championship game this year (the Big Ten) doesn't have one.
Mike: "My reputation seems to have proceeded me here."
Lorraine: "You're not a real man?"
Mike: "Not lately."
To Mississippi State RB Dontae Walker (a.k.a. Fatbody by my brother Matt and his friends down in Starkville). Walker earns this quote since he tended to run two yards and then fall down when handed the rock this season. And to think, he won back-to-back Heismans in my NCAA 2000 game for the Playstation.
Trent: "I wish they still had fights in this game so I could bitch-slap Wayne."
Mike: "What? They don't have fighting anymore?"
Trent: "Doesn't that suck?"
Mike: "Why'd they get rid of the fighting? It was the best part of the old version."
Sue: "I think kids were hittin' each other or somethin', man."
To the University of Hawaii and the University of Cincinnati. They had a bit of a brawl following their game in Honolulu on November 23. They really needed to splice in the open from the TV show "Thunder In Paradise" to add to the effect, though. Or at least bring in Jeff George to give Hawaii head coach June Jones someone to brawl with himself.
Mike: "Excuse me, we're in kind of a hurry."
To the New Orleans and GMAC Bowls. They'll take place before we even reach Christmas week.
Of course, it's silly that Marshall and Louisville (who are playing in the GMAC Bowl) are going to Mobile, Alabama for their game, considering that they're just three and a half hours apart on a straight shot down Interstate 64. Couldn't they just move the game to Commonwealth Stadium in Lexington, KY? Would anyone object to that? They'd probably have a much better chance of a sellout that way.
Trent: "Guys like me and you gotta kick it here old school."
Mike: "This is truly old school, this place is f***in' dead."
To Colorado and Oklahoma's fans, who failed to show up and sell out the Big 12 title game in San Antonio. The Big 12 suffered from the problem the SEC usually has -- the conference was so loaded with good teams that none of them could run the table and pull a Miami or Ohio State and go unbeaten. Personally, I would be very afraid of Oklahoma in a playoff type setting.
Mike: "The trick is we need to look like we don't need the stuff then they give us the stuff for free."
To the University of Kentucky and the University of Alabama. Probation's no fun, particularly for UK, which had one of its best seasons on the gridiron in many years.
Mike: "You're an asshole."
Trent: "Alright I'm an asshole, but you're the big winner tonight."
To Arizona Wildcats coach John Mackovic. Much of the heat he got for criticizing junior tight end Justin Levasseur as "a disgrace to his family" earlier in the season was deflected when state troopers in Illinois pulled over a car that Levasseur was riding in earlier this month. The car allegedly had 76 pounds of marijuana inside. Oops.
Waitress: "Can I get you something else? You know you shouldn't leave here without getting something for free."
Mike: "Why ruin a perfect night?"
To now-former Florida State QB Adrian McPherson. Bobby Bowden kicked McPherson off the team amid reports that police planned to question him in the theft and forgery of a blank check. McPherson was later arrested; charges are pending.
You mean to tell me that Sebastian Janikowski and Peter Warrick could make it through their troubles at FSU, but McPherson can't? Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty? That doesn't exist in the NCAA, apparently.
Honorable mention for this quote goes to Mississippi State freshman RB Nick Turner, who's accused of possession of counterfeit money. However, unlike McPherson, Turner was merely suspended. MSU head coach Jackie Sherrill is no dummy.
Rob: "I didn't want to say anything."
Mike: "Oh yeah why?"
Rob: "It's kind of not talking to your pitcher in the middle of a no-hitter."
Mike: "What, you didn't want to jinx it?"
Rob: "Kind of."
To Miami Hurricanes head coach Larry Coker. He is unbeaten as coach of Miami. Unbeaten! The Hurricanes are on a 34 game winning streak dating back to the Butch Davis reign in the 2000 season. To do something like that in this era is nothing short of incredible.
Mike: "I've gotta try, I made a promise to myself."
Rob: "Go for it, Mike."
Mike: "You gonna be my wingman?"
To Miami Hurricanes QB Ken Dorsey, who's vying for the Heisman (even though Willis McGahee may be a more viable candidate statistics-wise). Of course, McGahee is saying all the right things on why he thinks Dorsey should win the award.
Trent: "Wow someone got out of school early today."
Sue: "I think they like our vibe."
Trent: "It's on."
Mike: "God bless you guys."
To the University of Georgia. They beat Arkansas in a one-sided SEC Championship game to earn their first league title since Herschel Walker played in Athens. If only they had beaten Florida, then the BCS would have a really tough pick. Sooner or later, we're going to have a scenario where there are three major conference unbeatens. And then I think at that point all hell is going to break loose.
Trent: "Whatever, I don't have to be nice to everyone. Some people don't like me, I don't like certain people."
To former Florida Gators head coach Steve Spurrier. The SEC was a much less colorful place without him this year, for sure.
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