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Surprise Twist

Tuesday
April 6, 2004

It's too bad that last night's UConn/Georgia Tech game was such a one-sided affair. Yes, Tech stormed back at the end, but it was too little, too late. Emeka Okafor was just dominant on the inside, despite facing a player with a height advantage against him (7'1" Luke "Don't Call Me Look" Schenscher).

During the commercial breaks, I finally managed to catch the show Airline on A&E last night... and I was let down. Maybe I just caught a bad episode, but there was far too much sappy storytelling attempted and not enough angry customer outbursts for my liking. The only good part was this one woman who was livid because the wedding dress she'd worn down the aisle the day before at her wedding in Las Vegas had been ruined in transit. That was solid gold. But the rest was someone waiting for a loved one to arrive, someone else trying to meet up with family, etc. Not worth my time. I was hoping for rude outbursts, random people hooking up, you know the seedy side of the airline industry. I wasn't expecting outtakes of the Mile High Club, but c'mon this isn't a female-skewing drama here.

CBS is promoting its forthcoming May sweeps with "surprises" on many of its hit shows. The promo mainly features CBS' dramas (CSI, Cold Case, etc.), but it also includes "Everybody Loves Raymond". Somehow Scott Massey and I managed to twist it around into a Whodunnit cliffhanger shooting of Ray Romano where it appears to be a self-inflicted gunshot wound... but you don't know. I realize that there's nothing funny about this, but at the time it struck Scott and I as being incredibly hilarious, on par with the fumble that couldn't be picked up incident in the West Virginia/Oregon State game we played in NCAA 2004.

You know, it's much more fun to watch a sports game and imagine that a major calamity has taken place (i.e. a player falls into the scorer's table to save a loose ball, a monitor smashes him on his head, and he gets knocked unconscious). That leads to hours and hours of media coverage of: Has sports gone too far? Interviews with players and coaches, comments from the NCAA on how new safety netting will protect players from courtside monitors, etc. Or if that's not your bag, how about a player kicking the other guy in the junk on the jump ball? Hey, if it worked in the NHL with that one sneak attack that "went too far", why not in any other sports event?

I had my car washed yesterday at this place on Dale Mabry called the El Dorado Grand Prix. They lure people in with a low gas price posted out front (but to fill up, you have to get a car wash). I went ahead and went all out with mine, going for the wash and wax and all that. My beautiful Honda Accord was dirty and very much in need of a wash... and man, let me tell you, my ride was sparkling at the end of it all. It wasn't Pimp My Ride, but it was at least a very very thorough cleaning.

A band that I've loved for years is The Features, a group out of Nashville with a unique sound (that reminds me a little of The Rentals). Anyway, they're now getting a bit of a push, touring with the band Jump (formerly Jump Little Children) and also getting national distribution of their EP titled The Beginning. I heard them on WMNF this past weekend, which was pretty cool and definitely unexpected. Best wishes to them for big success.

Here's two reality TV shows that need to happen:

1. Who's High? -- It's a hidden camera show where a group of people are getting high... only one of them doesn't know that they are being recorded on hidden cameras. Suddenly sirens go off, streamers fall from the sky, and out runs the host of the show, Corey Haim, along with a camera crew. Haim does an on-the-spot interview with the shocked druggie. The friends who were in on it get to laugh and point out how it was a joke all along. Always good for that friend who just passed a drug test for a new job and is celebrating or for someone who "normally doesn't do this". Do you think Spike TV would bite on that idea?

2. Swoll-Up University -- This one I'm actually serious about. Take my brother Matt and his friends John Pouncey and Dustin Gremmels and cast them as the hosts. Then round up a group of 10-12 skinnybodies/fatbodies with limited fashion sense and put them in a house. They'll undergo weight training and learn exercise skills from Matt, Pounce and Dustin, and also get new threads and some training in style and picking up chicks. $1,000,000 is on the line, but not necessarily to one person. If three of the people make it through, they split the money in thirds. If two make it, they each get a half million. To "make it", they have to pass the final exam (workout challenge/trip to a nightclub) and be given the nod by at least two of the three Swoles (Matt, John and Dustin). Christ, if they can shoot Celebrity Mole: Yucitan and air it on a major network (ABC), surely there's room for my idea somewhere out there.

Swole Up
Dustin, John and Matt would run the show at Swoll-Up University.

Speaking of reality shows, tonight I watched the DVR recording I made of last night's Average Joe: Adam Returns... and wow, did he choose the wrong girl. It was like Adam turned heel at the end, which is funny considering how many girls on the show were swooning over him. I could only imagine the collective outrage out there by women who watched the show and loved him and were livid at his choice. Of course, I guess I'm the sucker for being drawn in to watching this drivel... but it beats the CBS Monday Night sitcoms, that's for sure.

Has Florida Governor Jeb Bush lost his mind? According to the Miami Herald, Bush backs a plan that would allow illegal immigrants in Florida to get drivers licenses. Doesn't he remember what happened to Gray Davis last year? I understand that Jeb wants to help bring over the Hispanic vote for the Republicans in the November Presidential election, but this is not the way to do it.

Meanwhile, it's more government-knows-best: there appears to be a movement to "crack down" on porn by the federal government. First the FCC nonsense and now this? When did the Puritans sneak into DC? I mean, besides John Ashcroft. Good grief. This is the sort of thing, in tandem with economic problems, that could get John Kerry elected.

Baseball season is here... and wow, do I not care. I'm pulling for the Yankees, sure, but seeing Alfonso Soriano in a Texas Rangers uniform on ESPN2 last night made me feel sick. Yet another to be filed under "Things that should have never happened" in baseball, right up there with the expansion of 1998, Jeff Weaver and Jason Giambi playing for the Yankees, and the strike of 1994. And in the first two cases, those things would seem to work to my benefit (since it means MLB games here in the Tampa area and my favorite team, the Yankees, getting two guys who looked promising when they came on board). But I can be objective on this. Jason Giambi (who still looks and is promising) should've never been a Yankee. It's like if the Packers would've had to let Brett Favre go to the New York Giants in 1996 because they couldn't afford his salary. This is the sort of thing that happens in baseball all the time. And it disgusts me to no end...


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